Twilight Bashing Part One: Boring Bella.'s Boring Life.

Isabella Marie "Bella" Swan (later Bella Cullen) is the fictional protagonist of the Twilight series, written by Stephenie Meyer. Yes the first sentence of this was shamelessly copied and pasted from Wikipedia.

After seeing Twilight I felt robbed. I wanted to see a good film, you see. As a media student I can appreciate the colour sheme, editing and music were rather pretty. This did not make up for the dialogue, plot and the notion that vampires fucking sparkle. All that I can forgive. What I cannot forgive is being subjected to the most boring, dull, plain female character: Bella Swan.

The author of Twilight expresses how "plain" Bella is frequently. In a slightly mean hope that the appeal of a dull character will attract the many boring, shrinking violet wallflowers out there as readers! Despite being as boring as a chair museum and as plain as can fucking be, all the students at Bella's new school want to bone her almost instantly.

And although Edward has a WAY hotter sister (which wouldn't be a problem for the Cullens, they all date each other) he finds himself in love with Bella, purely because he can read everyone's mind but hers. Which, come to think of it, would be a blessing, as she is so dull talking one can only imagine the horror how mundane her thoughts must be!

So.....he chose that withering whiner on the left....Over THAT ?! >

Yes, I know in the film she is dating another one of her vampire brothers, but if Edward is using to seeing Rosalie every day I find it somehow hard to believe he could be attracted to Bella.

Stephenie Meyer explains that she "left out a detailed description of Bella in the book so that the reader could more easily step into her shoes." In other words she wanted characterless, drab, boring girls with no personality to believe they could bag an "adonis" (a word frequently thrown at the book to the point of strong annoyance) like Edward. This makes her books all the more appealling to the many, many shrinking violets out there.

What ho? It seems some agree with me! Reviewing New Moon, Kirkus Reviews wrote of Bella's character as "flat and obsessive" along with Laura Miller of salon.com saying "in regards to Edward and Bella, neither of them has much personality to speak of."

And....OH MY GOD THIS IS STEPHANIE MEYER!!!!

Now I get it. Bella IS Stephanie Meyer! Is she trying to re-live or rewrite her own high school experience?!

After doing research on this so-called author I can only deduce that the virginal woman, the lack of blood and the lack of touching all together is simply Mormon propaganda with blood sucking as a metaphor for sex when Edward is instructing to suck the poison out of Bella but to "pull out" before the "climax"

We know what you're upto, Meyer. You have been rumbled.

Which brings me to my next complaint:

You don't even get to see the two characters get it on in the film. No sex, no blood...I thought this was a vampire movie! Once Edward shows himself as a vampire, the sparkling and constant expression of "about to cry" becomes far too much for Bella who probably imagines he is the sort of man who cries after sex. Or maybe it's the fact that Stephanie Meyer wanted her female character to remain virginal so as not to contribute to the already high teen pregnancy rate in America and get blamed for it all on Maury!

Still, I am not the only one unimpressed with Bella's virginal state being put up on a pedastool - Bitch magazine (yes, it's a real magazine) stated the novels' appeal were due to their being "abstinence porn", concluding that:

"In reality, the abstinence message—wrapped in the genre of abstinence porn—objectifies Bella in the same ways that "real" porn might. The Twilight books conflate Bella losing her virginity with the loss of other things, including her sense of self and her very life. Such a high-stakes treatment of abstinence reinforces the idea that Bella is powerless, an object, a fact that is highlighted when we get to the sex scenes in Breaking Dawn."

Amen! The pretty little virgin keeping chaste for the big bad vampire she met ten minutes ago - who has most probably been screwing around with several "Bellas" for the past few hundred years. How naive and sexist can you fucking get?!

Oh, and after reading this statement regarding Stephanie Meyer, I am sure I would dislike her just as much as this mundane character:

Bella's positive reception at her new school in Forks, particularly her popularity with male characters, was modelled after Meyer's real life move from high school to college. Comparing her transitional experience to Bella's, Meyer noted that after her own move to college her "stock went through the roof," commenting that "beauty is a lot more subjective than you might think."
What a wonderful lesson for young women. Fuck brains, you can rely on beauty! Oh and no matter how rude a guy is to you, he loves you....really. Even as he gets the restraining order renewed over and over. Oh and don't have sex. Ever. Or have an opinion. On anything. Just think constantly about the hottie that was rude to you the other day and make him go to prom with you.

There will be more Twilight bashing coming....indeed there will be. But the Lost Boys is on and I want to watch it. You Twilighters should look it up!

Quarrelsome.