Screw Drinking: 20 things I am NOT going to miss about alcohol!

No, as a matter of fact FUCK DRINKING. Screw is too mild, far too mild! I SAY FUCK DRINKING. I am going to find alcohol in a personified state and beat it up!!!!

At 23 years old, that is probably a strange thing to be saying, but I do not give a damn! Drink has caused me to lose money, lose my common sense and stupidly give the "consequences" department of my brain the night off!

Far be it from me to quote a daft chick flick, but I got forced to watch Bridget Jones' Diary once and remember a quote: "You should not be with someone if you can think of 3 reasons not to"

THREE? I can think of TWENTY things I am not going to miss about alcohol!

So here we are ladies and gents, the 20 thinks that make alcohol SUCK:

1. The gawping at your wallet the next day - alcohol may not break the bank if you stick the few you promised your parents or significant other you would. But after the few are well and truly consumed...it seems like a good idea to buy some chips right now. Oh look, that's soaked up the alcohol. How about another drink? One more won't hurt... WHY NOT! Ohh....looks like that's gone too why don't I have one more...make it a double...by this point you have woken up, cannot remember offering to pay the extortionate cab ride home for your vomitting, talking-shit friends you knew for exactly 15 minutes... you put your £450 jacket on some scantily-clad skank outside the bar and horror of horrors....you have been robbed. Not really, but you feel like you have as the £50 in your wallet has vanished into thin air.

2. The forgetting to brush your teeth - you are so drunk you forget the most basic hygene rule when you roll on home and wake up with what feels like an angora rug lining your mouth.

3. Best friend has a snaggle tooth? Why not tell him! - You suddenly feel morally obligated to tell your best friend that you have secretly nicknamed his mole, or that the nose job really didn't do him justice....if you don't get a fist flying your way you will certainly be made to know what psysical features about you aren't so hot!

4. The re-assessing of your sexuality - ever got so drunk you think it will be "funny" to kiss one of your friends of the same sex? Ever tried to insist you're straight the next day? Ever had to re-assess your sexuality because in the tagged photos of you tonguing your mate Dave on facebook you actually look a little too happy?? Alcohol my friend, alcohol!

5. The never ending apologizing - Even if you were on your best behaviour, the paranoia if you cannot remember every minute of the evening will get you by around 5pm the next day. You will ring people. If you need to apologise you will have to. If you don't need to apologise they will wonder what you did that they didn't see. The post-drinking phone calls are a war, you will always be on the losing side.

6. The beer gut creeping up on you - College mislead you into thinking that you could down that beer, take that shot, eat doritoes all night and you you could still fit into those skinny jeans....WRONG. Alcohol will have the mother of all thrown-downs with your metabolism, the latter will be beaten to a pulp. And you will be a big barrel-gut.

7. The waking up next to a monster - At a party, it doesn't matter if you didn't even kiss them, the horror that awaits you when you wake up and see that freak with hairy palms cuddled up to you....you can only think "Oh my God Oh my God what happened...." if the worst with aforementioned beast has happened, male or female, you will have to go get checked out for various afflictions, such as STDs or newly hatched embryoes...you WILL be judged in the waiting room at the doctors, they WILL see by the look on your pale, hungover face why you are there, and you WILL bump into someone who knew you in high school if you have to go to the VD clinic!

8. Cab drivers who rip you off mightily - If you end up last in the cab, the driver will insist your friend didn't pay as much as he thought they did, despite you lending them the money and seeing it with your own two beer goggles! The drunk will always lose against the driver as no matter what happens, you are going to look like an aggressive drunken fool, trying to rip the poor guy off who is "just doing his job". Even if you are not the last to get home, friends will accuse you of not paying enough before you got out, the driver will short change you and you will make enough noise falling out of the cab and swearing at the pavement to make the neighbours tut and point at you for weeks.

9. Acne - Alcohol causes bad skin.

10. The stare - Nice person or not, alcohol will make you stare at people you are not remotely interested in like a sex offender due to the glazed look it gives you. You will either freak someone out with your impression, or give some freak the wrong impression!

11. The drunk dial - Alcohol cruelly tricks you into assuming your ex is dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. You don't know what to say to them in the slightest, you just press their number, it's all it takes... and cannot fathom as to why they are so angry with you for waking them up. You then recite the biggest and longest speech you will ever live to regret. The next day, you check your phone, and if seeing THAT NAME in the dialled calls section at 4:24am doesn't give you a heart attack (after hysterically screaming "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!")....their response when you ring them to apologise will certainly give you a stroke.

12. The unknown drunken injuries - Alcohol has the uncanny talent for making things likes lamposts, phone boxes and other people invisible.

13. The laptop is no longer safe - Probably more dangerous than the drunk dial. If you have msn or any other such messenger, the people listed there will fall into two categories: "I've decided I fancy them" or "I've decided I hate them" - you will have no problem expressing either sentiment to both parties. No problem at all. Their very name there will invite you to do it. Both will never want to speak to you again.

14. Your football team losing will make you angrier than usual - Or feel like bringing up any sort of grudge you imagined with that stranger over in the corner. Sports and alcohol are lethal.

15. Vomitting your own kidneys up - The toilet will remain the most illusive, James Bond-like escapee whilst you really want to grab it and throw up in it. If you're in the bathroom, you have about a 1 in 10 chance of throwing up entirely in the toilet....if you're at the bottom of the stairs don't even both running up there to make it. Think of your favourite possession in the world....or someone who lives with you - it or they will get most of the vomit on them.

16. The eating the vilest of take-aways - After you saw that documentary about what goes into kebabs, you swore to yourself you would never eat one. Alcohol changes all that. The 97% fat content slab of gristle suddenly looks sexier than anything you've been drooling over all night. You will wake up the next day inexplicably half a stone heavier, yet still having dihorreah - and bits of rancid old meat behind your bed!

17. Drunks attract drunks - The guy at the bar -usually, you would not want to hear his life story, be he starts speaking to you when you're drunk. The alcohol has made you more chatty but by the time you realise he is going to be doing most of the talking, it's too late: he tells you about when his wife left him, the landlord he beat up who totally deserved it, what an arsehole his brother is, blah blah. Dare walk away and he'll hit you. Even if the building is on fire. What a barrel of laughs this evening has turned out to be!

18. The sweating - Alcohol makes you sweat, in summer, nobody is going to want to go near you if you are sweating the alcohol out. And nobody will forgive you for stinking the room out!

19. The doing NOTHING the next day - You were planning to go to the park? FORGET IT. The hangover has taken over your motivation. You will watch spirit-crushing game shows reminiscing about last night trying to convince yourself that this crappy day was worth the night.

20. Depression - Alcohol is a depressant. It makes you depressed the next day as it robs you of all your time, money, energy and happiness.

All together now: FUCK. THAT.

Twilight Bashing Part One: Boring Bella.'s Boring Life.

Isabella Marie "Bella" Swan (later Bella Cullen) is the fictional protagonist of the Twilight series, written by Stephenie Meyer. Yes the first sentence of this was shamelessly copied and pasted from Wikipedia.

After seeing Twilight I felt robbed. I wanted to see a good film, you see. As a media student I can appreciate the colour sheme, editing and music were rather pretty. This did not make up for the dialogue, plot and the notion that vampires fucking sparkle. All that I can forgive. What I cannot forgive is being subjected to the most boring, dull, plain female character: Bella Swan.

The author of Twilight expresses how "plain" Bella is frequently. In a slightly mean hope that the appeal of a dull character will attract the many boring, shrinking violet wallflowers out there as readers! Despite being as boring as a chair museum and as plain as can fucking be, all the students at Bella's new school want to bone her almost instantly.

And although Edward has a WAY hotter sister (which wouldn't be a problem for the Cullens, they all date each other) he finds himself in love with Bella, purely because he can read everyone's mind but hers. Which, come to think of it, would be a blessing, as she is so dull talking one can only imagine the horror how mundane her thoughts must be!

So.....he chose that withering whiner on the left....Over THAT ?! >

Yes, I know in the film she is dating another one of her vampire brothers, but if Edward is using to seeing Rosalie every day I find it somehow hard to believe he could be attracted to Bella.

Stephenie Meyer explains that she "left out a detailed description of Bella in the book so that the reader could more easily step into her shoes." In other words she wanted characterless, drab, boring girls with no personality to believe they could bag an "adonis" (a word frequently thrown at the book to the point of strong annoyance) like Edward. This makes her books all the more appealling to the many, many shrinking violets out there.

What ho? It seems some agree with me! Reviewing New Moon, Kirkus Reviews wrote of Bella's character as "flat and obsessive" along with Laura Miller of salon.com saying "in regards to Edward and Bella, neither of them has much personality to speak of."

And....OH MY GOD THIS IS STEPHANIE MEYER!!!!

Now I get it. Bella IS Stephanie Meyer! Is she trying to re-live or rewrite her own high school experience?!

After doing research on this so-called author I can only deduce that the virginal woman, the lack of blood and the lack of touching all together is simply Mormon propaganda with blood sucking as a metaphor for sex when Edward is instructing to suck the poison out of Bella but to "pull out" before the "climax"

We know what you're upto, Meyer. You have been rumbled.

Which brings me to my next complaint:

You don't even get to see the two characters get it on in the film. No sex, no blood...I thought this was a vampire movie! Once Edward shows himself as a vampire, the sparkling and constant expression of "about to cry" becomes far too much for Bella who probably imagines he is the sort of man who cries after sex. Or maybe it's the fact that Stephanie Meyer wanted her female character to remain virginal so as not to contribute to the already high teen pregnancy rate in America and get blamed for it all on Maury!

Still, I am not the only one unimpressed with Bella's virginal state being put up on a pedastool - Bitch magazine (yes, it's a real magazine) stated the novels' appeal were due to their being "abstinence porn", concluding that:

"In reality, the abstinence message—wrapped in the genre of abstinence porn—objectifies Bella in the same ways that "real" porn might. The Twilight books conflate Bella losing her virginity with the loss of other things, including her sense of self and her very life. Such a high-stakes treatment of abstinence reinforces the idea that Bella is powerless, an object, a fact that is highlighted when we get to the sex scenes in Breaking Dawn."

Amen! The pretty little virgin keeping chaste for the big bad vampire she met ten minutes ago - who has most probably been screwing around with several "Bellas" for the past few hundred years. How naive and sexist can you fucking get?!

Oh, and after reading this statement regarding Stephanie Meyer, I am sure I would dislike her just as much as this mundane character:

Bella's positive reception at her new school in Forks, particularly her popularity with male characters, was modelled after Meyer's real life move from high school to college. Comparing her transitional experience to Bella's, Meyer noted that after her own move to college her "stock went through the roof," commenting that "beauty is a lot more subjective than you might think."
What a wonderful lesson for young women. Fuck brains, you can rely on beauty! Oh and no matter how rude a guy is to you, he loves you....really. Even as he gets the restraining order renewed over and over. Oh and don't have sex. Ever. Or have an opinion. On anything. Just think constantly about the hottie that was rude to you the other day and make him go to prom with you.

There will be more Twilight bashing coming....indeed there will be. But the Lost Boys is on and I want to watch it. You Twilighters should look it up!

Quarrelsome.

Lady Gaga: her boring and cliche attempt at "shock value"

Firstly, I do not claim to be a religious person, I do not attend church, I am hedonistic, argumentative and opinionated person , I in other words, are not holier than thou. I nor ascertain that a particular faith is the correct one. I do however respect people's beliefs. Like you would think twice about dressing up as somebody's dead mother and parading around, perhaps you should not blaspeheme religious icons as it goes very deep with some people. Lady Gaga is currently suffering from quite a stinking, piggish ignorance like this.

Lady Gaga. The name alone is like itching powder to my psychosis. She had a few hits. DJs across the land with a dark sense of humour play her songs to get tipsy, sensible people up for "that one dance" and feel graceful, sexy and edgy...which is a shame nobody told their bodies that. I have yet to see someone look "cool" whilst wiggling to Lady Gaga.

The name Lady Gaga implies, rightly so, that her music by itself cannot be taken very seriously. Her vocal range, good as it could be, is drowned out by over-synthesising, repetitive chants and distracting full-o-tit n' crotch videos. A bit like, oh lets say, a 50 year old pathetic, gyrating grandmother who will probably overdose on botox soon and have a cheek explode. Yes, Madonna I am talking about you.

(I have always said that the Emperor is not wearing any clothes when it comes to Madonna, I will write an article on the overrated bint later.)

Lady Gaga grabs her crotch and shakes that ass in every video. Which, is, in my opinion not in the least bit offensive...actually it's rather pitiful that she has to do that like EVERY other music artist out there not quite confident in their vocal abilities. In some videos her thong is so far up her ass one starts to wonder whether it feels like garrotting wire.

(Left) is this an artist who is so confident in her singing voice that she doesn't have to shake ass like a common table dancer?

But maybe Gaga realised that her tits and backside simply weren't cutting it in the shocking stakes.

In a pitiful attempt at controversy, she mentally appealled to one of anyone this calibur of shallowness considers an idol: Madonna.

Boobs hanging out, cross upon said boobs hanging out - oh and er, ANOTHER cross burning in the background.

Very feminist. My word Madonna, you gosh darned genious you may have solved the world's injustice due to the christians with a simple blasphemous video! The arguments previously about the crusades are now all void.

I mean it didn't NEED to have a clear point it was so darned revolutionary! As for banging a black Jesus on an altar....the point was so darned good nobody can make sense of it as we are all meer mortals under you!

How much money do you make for your mansions a year again through such cheap, lazy, uncreative entertainment? Oh and er, why not do a video of you boning a Muslim prophet, oh let's say MUHAMMED if you really had balls, and didn't simply pick on the Christian faith out of security that they won't send you anthrax in the post you dumb bitch....

I'm not a religious person, as previously stated, I'm sure a lot of those reading this may have misunderstood this. I am a hedonistic youth, devoted to, well, youth and believe a lot of religions and government have ruined the Utopian existence we are all intitled to by birthright. I do however, dislike those who blaspheme others religions for cheap entertainment and lack of creatitivty in the bid to be shocking. Particularly if their songs are as fucking crap as "Alejandro"

Not content with flashing her body in every single video (as frankly, their are tits and ass everywhere, Gaga is simply not an individual in this respect) she moved onto flirting with an embarrassingly straight Beyonce, who could barely give her a pervy stare in "Telephone" complete with shameless adverts in order to finance her millions on ass-splitting thongs and cocaine (that's not slander, she bragged about it to a magazine, use google):

Plentyoffish.com....a guard appears to be looking at this in the "Telephone" video. Comedic or desperate for sponsors?

Or how about prison sex? Very edgy Gaga. Until you cheesily brought in this advert for Virgin media as the big sexy butch lesbian snagged at your crotch! Is she trying to find your USB port because that is about as unsexy as this image is.

And if you thought that wasn't blatant enough...

Gaga with diet Coke cans in her hair...well it's not the worst kind of coke she's done I guess.

As "Telephone" wasn't hailed as controversial, rather amusing, due to it's shameless and daft amount of sponsors and unconvincing lesbianism...Gaga decides to blaspheme the easiest of religious targets: the Catholic Church. It has been done before by Madonna which barely got an eye-roll from the Pope. With their priests and nuns uniforms and recognised symbols, Gaga indeed seems to have taken the easy option in her begging to recognised as a controversial singer.

Wow. Lady Gaga as a blasphemous nun. I am so upset I could kill a puppy.

Or how about her having a cross across that frequently exposed beaver? Thank God this video is purely political and there is noooooo attmept at sex appeal!

Otherwise the vast majority of viewers being turned off immensely by this desperate plea for attention may just send Gaga into a strop at not being taken seriously as not only an artist, but as fuckable. Gaga: you are neither.

Neither are you controversial. Attacking a quiet, harmless, worshipping group like the Catholic Church is uncreative, lazy and cowardly as they aren't going to shove a dirty bomb up your frequently exposed arse like al qaeda would.

In conclusion, I am not offended by Lady Gaga's blasphemy in her crappy new single "Alejandro" but more irritated at her lazy, uncreative attempt at being controversial. She is not controversial, revolutionary, edgy....any of these things she so desperately clings on to be. It's a bit like a schoolgirl wearing black tights instead of blue and the teachers notice, but the offense is so fucking minor that they don't pull her up on it. The Catholics aren't offended by this, they simply sigh and say "What a silly little girl..."

Lady Gaga's new video is simply....boring.

It has been done before. Decades before.

The only thing mildly interesting about this video is Gaga's psychological desperation to be "offensive" for those interested in child psychology. Turns out she was brought up Catholic - well someone has Mummy & Daddy issues! Having said that, Gaga, please do not bore us with whatever desire to be controversial you obviously suffer from.

Just stick to making the low-quality music that we all would only ever just dance to whilst very, very drunk - and feel embarrassed about dancing to such cheese the following morning. Adieu.

WHO would have a child?!

Suffering heavily from tocophobia (the intense and irrational fear of becoming pregnant) may have something to do with becoming up the spout on the last of my to do list (after catching AIDS and losing my left arm in a car accident - THAT is how much I despise the idea of pregnancy! Hopefully all three of these monstrosities will not afflict me!)

But apparently this rare affliction of common sense I cannot shake is shared by a slightly hostile looking woman:
Corinne Maier almost made me cry with joy when I read her book. I come from a large family of breeders and have been, for years, the "selfish" and "immature" one due to my love of experiencing anything fun rather than maternal in life and utter, utter contempt for the idea of settling down and having children. I am one of the youngest, and one of the only cousins not to have children and get married, I have seen my once intelligent, beautiful cousins morph into unhealthy, bitter, sleep-deprived women

At gatherings, aunties throw the cutest of my cousins sprogs at me smiling like an estate agent desperate to sell a house. I still do not see the appeal, they can probably tell that by my face because I last got accused of being "openly gay" by one aunt due to my total lack of maternal instincts. I am the selfish, immature and - oh now I'm openly gay simply for standing up for my right to remain childless:

I don't want to carry another human being around in my belly whose only escape is by tearing across my most sensitive body part; I don't want to wade through feces and sick because the damn kid won't stop secreting every vile liquid known to mankind; I don't want to shove prams up and down the street while doing shopping for the little savage getting glared at by all the other sleep-deprived mothers itching for a row; I don't want to lose all freedom and choice within life because I'll have a constant parasite stuck to my nipple because motherhood turns you into a human cow!

Corinne Maier discusses most of the reasons why having a child is a terrible idea, some more than others. I have a few other additions, much respect to the author.

I like to look at the world as a scary place, somewhere irrational, mad, continuously proving my point that the truth is stranger than fiction. I love to nose-dive into said world and scare the living Hell out of myself with each experience: how would I do that while worrying about some snivelling brat with a boo-boo - suddenly the dangers of the world are not fun anymore, suddenly they are dangerous to little junior!

Pregnancy, like anything else, is big business. Pregnant celebrities, while probably groaning on the inside (after all, they are being beaten up from the inside!) get paid to flaunt their baby bumps with great big it's-great-to-be-preggers grin. Is it really a coincidence that in the same magazine article they rave on and on about their faveourite stretch-mark cream and tea to soothe the cramps and pains?

Of course, what monster would not ENJOY being pregnant? To keep the baby craze going these celebrity women have to make pregnancy look like a walk in the park. Some....aren't so convincing:
























Well this looks like a barrel of laughs doesn't it?!

Both Christina Aguilera and Myleene Klass (whoever that is) appear as though they are about to cry. Or heave. Or both.

What is worse is the epidemic of wishing to be MILFS (thanks again American Pie) uploading embarrassingly wannabe-esque photos of their bloated pregnant bodies onto facebook or whatever social networking site they use to remind us what a pregnant women looks like. They seem to forget two things: one, the celebrities they sheepishly adore have the luxery of air-brushing for their seething stretch marks and perhaps sedatives (oh yeah, pregnancy induces psychotic behaviour!) secondly....well, look at these photos, they speak for themselves:

Errr....classy! A far cry from Demi Moore, no? Yes, we all know what an up-the-spout woman looks like, thank you very much. Oh it gets worse.


This one got banned from facebook, viewer discretion and finnishing that sandwich are advised:




Seriously....WHY would somebody do this to themself?! No wonder it puts a dampener on your sex life who would want a roll in the hay with that?! (Call me an addict all you want, but this is reason enough to say "a thousand times NO!" to the prospect of having a child)

While I have covered some more personal points as to why I would never have kids, read this article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-476669/Angels-savages--children.html it is the most enlightening article in regards to remaining childless.

Having said that, I'll stick to short and sweet: Dare to be different: say no to having children!

First One!

I don't like introductions much, cant wait to get to the ranting that probably only makes an ounce of sense in my head - which, by the way is a rather warped view of the world, which scarily enough may make perfect sense if you read it enough....on with the blogging!

Louise.