Screw Drinking: 20 things I am NOT going to miss about alcohol!

No, as a matter of fact FUCK DRINKING. Screw is too mild, far too mild! I SAY FUCK DRINKING. I am going to find alcohol in a personified state and beat it up!!!!

At 23 years old, that is probably a strange thing to be saying, but I do not give a damn! Drink has caused me to lose money, lose my common sense and stupidly give the "consequences" department of my brain the night off!

Far be it from me to quote a daft chick flick, but I got forced to watch Bridget Jones' Diary once and remember a quote: "You should not be with someone if you can think of 3 reasons not to"

THREE? I can think of TWENTY things I am not going to miss about alcohol!

So here we are ladies and gents, the 20 thinks that make alcohol SUCK:

1. The gawping at your wallet the next day - alcohol may not break the bank if you stick the few you promised your parents or significant other you would. But after the few are well and truly consumed...it seems like a good idea to buy some chips right now. Oh look, that's soaked up the alcohol. How about another drink? One more won't hurt... WHY NOT! Ohh....looks like that's gone too why don't I have one more...make it a double...by this point you have woken up, cannot remember offering to pay the extortionate cab ride home for your vomitting, talking-shit friends you knew for exactly 15 minutes... you put your £450 jacket on some scantily-clad skank outside the bar and horror of horrors....you have been robbed. Not really, but you feel like you have as the £50 in your wallet has vanished into thin air.

2. The forgetting to brush your teeth - you are so drunk you forget the most basic hygene rule when you roll on home and wake up with what feels like an angora rug lining your mouth.

3. Best friend has a snaggle tooth? Why not tell him! - You suddenly feel morally obligated to tell your best friend that you have secretly nicknamed his mole, or that the nose job really didn't do him justice....if you don't get a fist flying your way you will certainly be made to know what psysical features about you aren't so hot!

4. The re-assessing of your sexuality - ever got so drunk you think it will be "funny" to kiss one of your friends of the same sex? Ever tried to insist you're straight the next day? Ever had to re-assess your sexuality because in the tagged photos of you tonguing your mate Dave on facebook you actually look a little too happy?? Alcohol my friend, alcohol!

5. The never ending apologizing - Even if you were on your best behaviour, the paranoia if you cannot remember every minute of the evening will get you by around 5pm the next day. You will ring people. If you need to apologise you will have to. If you don't need to apologise they will wonder what you did that they didn't see. The post-drinking phone calls are a war, you will always be on the losing side.

6. The beer gut creeping up on you - College mislead you into thinking that you could down that beer, take that shot, eat doritoes all night and you you could still fit into those skinny jeans....WRONG. Alcohol will have the mother of all thrown-downs with your metabolism, the latter will be beaten to a pulp. And you will be a big barrel-gut.

7. The waking up next to a monster - At a party, it doesn't matter if you didn't even kiss them, the horror that awaits you when you wake up and see that freak with hairy palms cuddled up to you....you can only think "Oh my God Oh my God what happened...." if the worst with aforementioned beast has happened, male or female, you will have to go get checked out for various afflictions, such as STDs or newly hatched embryoes...you WILL be judged in the waiting room at the doctors, they WILL see by the look on your pale, hungover face why you are there, and you WILL bump into someone who knew you in high school if you have to go to the VD clinic!

8. Cab drivers who rip you off mightily - If you end up last in the cab, the driver will insist your friend didn't pay as much as he thought they did, despite you lending them the money and seeing it with your own two beer goggles! The drunk will always lose against the driver as no matter what happens, you are going to look like an aggressive drunken fool, trying to rip the poor guy off who is "just doing his job". Even if you are not the last to get home, friends will accuse you of not paying enough before you got out, the driver will short change you and you will make enough noise falling out of the cab and swearing at the pavement to make the neighbours tut and point at you for weeks.

9. Acne - Alcohol causes bad skin.

10. The stare - Nice person or not, alcohol will make you stare at people you are not remotely interested in like a sex offender due to the glazed look it gives you. You will either freak someone out with your impression, or give some freak the wrong impression!

11. The drunk dial - Alcohol cruelly tricks you into assuming your ex is dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. You don't know what to say to them in the slightest, you just press their number, it's all it takes... and cannot fathom as to why they are so angry with you for waking them up. You then recite the biggest and longest speech you will ever live to regret. The next day, you check your phone, and if seeing THAT NAME in the dialled calls section at 4:24am doesn't give you a heart attack (after hysterically screaming "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!")....their response when you ring them to apologise will certainly give you a stroke.

12. The unknown drunken injuries - Alcohol has the uncanny talent for making things likes lamposts, phone boxes and other people invisible.

13. The laptop is no longer safe - Probably more dangerous than the drunk dial. If you have msn or any other such messenger, the people listed there will fall into two categories: "I've decided I fancy them" or "I've decided I hate them" - you will have no problem expressing either sentiment to both parties. No problem at all. Their very name there will invite you to do it. Both will never want to speak to you again.

14. Your football team losing will make you angrier than usual - Or feel like bringing up any sort of grudge you imagined with that stranger over in the corner. Sports and alcohol are lethal.

15. Vomitting your own kidneys up - The toilet will remain the most illusive, James Bond-like escapee whilst you really want to grab it and throw up in it. If you're in the bathroom, you have about a 1 in 10 chance of throwing up entirely in the toilet....if you're at the bottom of the stairs don't even both running up there to make it. Think of your favourite possession in the world....or someone who lives with you - it or they will get most of the vomit on them.

16. The eating the vilest of take-aways - After you saw that documentary about what goes into kebabs, you swore to yourself you would never eat one. Alcohol changes all that. The 97% fat content slab of gristle suddenly looks sexier than anything you've been drooling over all night. You will wake up the next day inexplicably half a stone heavier, yet still having dihorreah - and bits of rancid old meat behind your bed!

17. Drunks attract drunks - The guy at the bar -usually, you would not want to hear his life story, be he starts speaking to you when you're drunk. The alcohol has made you more chatty but by the time you realise he is going to be doing most of the talking, it's too late: he tells you about when his wife left him, the landlord he beat up who totally deserved it, what an arsehole his brother is, blah blah. Dare walk away and he'll hit you. Even if the building is on fire. What a barrel of laughs this evening has turned out to be!

18. The sweating - Alcohol makes you sweat, in summer, nobody is going to want to go near you if you are sweating the alcohol out. And nobody will forgive you for stinking the room out!

19. The doing NOTHING the next day - You were planning to go to the park? FORGET IT. The hangover has taken over your motivation. You will watch spirit-crushing game shows reminiscing about last night trying to convince yourself that this crappy day was worth the night.

20. Depression - Alcohol is a depressant. It makes you depressed the next day as it robs you of all your time, money, energy and happiness.

All together now: FUCK. THAT.